More Than I Deserve
by Attenia
Summary: Cas finally makes it home to the bunker, but all isn't right with him. Filled with remorse for the angels' fall, he feels that he doesn't deserve Dean's kindness. Dean has other ideas. Trigger warnings for eating disorders.


Cas sank into the chair, relief filling him. He was with Sam and Dean again. Though he little deserved the warmth of their friendship, he couldn't help being grateful for it.

"Here, Cas, eat – you look terrible."

Cas took the bowl of food Dean offered him with a smile. He was hungry. It was so strange, getting used to all these new human feelings. He lifted the spoon to his mouth… then he hesitated. The memories of what he had done to all the other angels in his time as 'God' made him sick to his stomach. And now they were fallen from Heaven, all because of him.

He didn't deserve the food. It had been necessary before now, as fuel to keep going, but now that he was with Dean, he was content.

"I'm not hungry."

Dean raised an eyebrow, but didn't question. Cas retreated to the room he'd chosen for himself shortly after that, needing to hide the rumbling sound of his stomach. He had a warm bed and he was with his friends. Food was more than he deserved.

This wasn't as easy as he'd thought it would be. Sam was mostly content to leave him to his own devices, but Dean watched Cas constantly with worried eyes. He knew something was wrong, but Cas rebuffed all of the hunter's attempts to talk to him about it.

"Cas, man, you need to eat. You're human now, remember? Your body needs food."

"I'm not hungry," Cas lied yet again.

Dean narrowed his eyes. "You haven't eaten anything since you came here."

One look at the hunter told Cas this was a battle he wouldn't win. He forced down an apple, which seemed to appease Dean for now. Cas got into the habit of taking small amounts of food to donate to the homeless. It worked, and Dean believed him when Cas insisted he simply preferred eating alone.

Every now and then, he couldn't get out of it, and he had to eat under Dean's watchful eye. The hunger was bad at first, but Cas soon learned to deal withit. The dizziness was worse. Cas took to spending as much time in his room as he could.

He was doing ok – managing to avoid Dean's worried gazes most of the time and getting out of eating more and more. Cas probably would have gotten away with it if Dean didn't follow him into his room one day.

"Hey, Cas, I wanted to ask – Cas!"

Cas had been exerting all his willpower to stay upright. Getting to his room, he thought he was safe and finally let his shaky legs collapse. Dean was at his side in an instant.

"Cas, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, Dean. I'm fine."

"Like hell you are! What's been going on with you?"

Cas found he couldn't meet the hunter's eyes. "Nothing," he whispered. "It doesn't matter."

Dean grabbed his chin, forcing Cas to look at him. "It matters. You matter, Cas, don't ever think otherwise. Now, tell me."

He stared into Dean's eyes for several long seconds… then the dizziness peaked and everything went black.

When Cas woke, he was in bed, and unsurprisingly, Dean was sitting in a chair just opposite. "Dean –" He tried to sit up, but was immediately hit by a wave of dizziness and fell back onto the pillows.

"Shut up." Dean looked furious. "What the hell is this?" He grabbed Cas' shirt and pulled it up, exposing his torso.

Cas looked down, confused. "What?"

"Why are your ribs showing, Cas?"

"Um. Ribs are protruding bones that sometimes are visible through skin and –"

"Shut up!" Dean shouted again. "You idiot! You haven't been eating. How could you do this to me, Cas?"

Cas had expected the anger, but the hurt in the hunter's voice took him completely by surprise. "To you? I'm not doing anything to you, Dean."

Dean swore loudly and got up. He paced up and down the room, kicking the table viciously, causing one of the legs to cave in. Cas watched him warily, too tired to try to figure this out.

"You're really going to make me say it, aren't you? You bastard, you know this, what are you playing at…" Dean trailed off, muttering under his breath. After a few minutes he took a deep breath and came to sit by the bedside again.

In a completely unexpected move, he took Cas' hands in both of his. "I love you, you moron. I can't lose you, you understand? I don't know what's going on in your head, but you have to fight it, for me. Please, Cas."

Cas was so bewildered that he just stared at Dean. He was hallucinating. Or dreaming, perhaps he was still unconscious. He knew that there was no way all of his wildest dreams were coming true here and now, which meant this was either an illusion or some pleasant figment of his imagination. Dean could never love him back.

Dean's hands were suddenly on his cheeks. "Hey, Cas, focus. Can you hear me?"

"I…"

"Shit, you really need to eat. Here, take this." Dean reached over to the broken table and handed Cas a plate of plain crackers. "Your body probably won't be up to much right now, but this should help."

Cas shook his head.

"No way. You don't get to do this to me anymore. Either you eat, or I force feed you. This is not optional, Cas."

"I can't," Cas whispered to the two Deans who were swaying vaguely in his vision. "I don't deserve the food, Dean."

Shock passed across the hunter's face. "What?"

"After what I've done… Dean, this is more than I deserve, way more." Cas gestured miserably to the plate of crackers.

Dean put it carefully aside and pulled Cas into a tight hug. "That's not true, you hear me? You deserve everything, Cas, and I'm not going to lose you. You've made some stupid mistakes, but we all have. That doesn't mean you need to starve yourself."

"I can't –" Cas found his words cut off by a strange jerking in his chest. A wordless sound came out of his mouth as he shook, water pouring from his eyes. He knew what crying was, he'd just never experienced it in this vessel.

"Hey – uh, don't cry, Cas, it'll be ok."

Cas tried to tell Dean that it wouldn't, but apparently his vessel wasn't doing words right now. He felt like he was crumbling in on himself, and that he'd soon fall into an endless pit of darkness.

Dean's arms were there to catch him, though. "C'mon, Cas, it's alright. Hey, it's ok, it's ok."

Cas turned slightly, clinging to Dean, the only solid thing in his wavering world. "I – I c-can't – Dean – it's – t-too m-much –"

"I'll help you, Cas. I'm not leaving you to deal with this alone anymore. I'm sorry I ever did. So sorry."

Cas couldn't bring himself to speak.

"There you go," Dean murmured, climbing into bed with Cas. The two of them lay there, and eventually, Cas' tears slowed. He felt his eyes drooping. He was exhausted.

"Nope. You're not sleeping before you eat. I'm sorry, buddy, but I've got to be harsh on this one. Here, open your mouth."

Dean's hand appeared right in front of him, holding a cracker. Cas followed the command automatically, and found his mouth full of food he didn't deserve. His instinct was to spit it out.

"Eat. You can do this, Cas. For me."

For Dean. He'd do anything for Dean. Cas started chewing slowly. Dean made him eat five crackers before letting him fall into a fitful sleep.

When Cas woke, Dean was still in bed with him. His memories were hazy at best. "Dean? What happened?"

"You don't remember?"

"I… I think I was hallucinating. You told me you… you…"

"That I love you? Yeah, that wasn't a hallucination."

Cas stared dumbly at him. "You love me?"

"Of course I do, Cas. How could I not?"

"I love you too."

Dean's face broke into the widest grin Cas had ever seen. "You do?"

"How could I not?" Cas repeated with a smile.

"Does this mean you're going to start eating again?"

Cas dropped his eyes to the bed. "Dean… I don't –"

"If I ever hear the phrase 'I don't deserve it' out of your mouth again, I'm going to beat you to a bloody pulp, you understand? I'll not have any more of this, Cas. If anyone doesn't deserve it, it's me, but I keep going, because I have people who love me and need me. You're going to do the same. Capische?"

"Capische," Cas agreed weakly. He knew that food was still more than he deserved, but he'd do anything for Dean. Anything, even this.

"If you cooperate, I'll give you a reward each time you eat."

"A reward?"

Dean took Cas' face in his hands again and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

"Oh," Cas sighed. "I liked that."

"Then you'll be nice and motivated."

For the first time since he lost his grace, Cas felt hopeful. It didn't really matter what he did or didn't deserve when Dean was here, touching him so tenderly and giving him kisses. Deserved or not, he was going to hold onto this with everything he had.


End file.
